It's been roughly 4 months since my breakup, and about 8 months since I've seen him. I haven't really written about it yet, I've been very conscious that a relationship belongs to two people, and the breakup does too. I've reached a time when I'm ready to write about my experience of 'us' breaking apart, while not sharing anything that belongs to him. If you see what I mean.
There seem to be two things you give up when you break up. Firstly, you give up how you'd imagined your future looking. How far ahead this went varies, but even your day-to-day future just disappears. I think we can often overlook what a hole this leaves us with; the future that won't exist now. Needing time to figure out what your new future may look like. Our relationships don't form everything in our lives, but they have an impact on all of it. So I've needed some time to just work out what my new chapter looks like, and even what I want it to look like.
Secondly, even if you did the breaking up, or believe that the relationship ending is a good thing, you still have a person that was a massive part of your life, and is no longer. Partnership aside, I miss him as a person. I miss hearing what he thinks about things, I miss having him to talk to, just as a person. So there is time needed to 'grieve' the person. Just getting used to not having him around, or to call. I miss his brain, you know?
I've thrown myself into my next chapter; I've moved house, I went on holiday, I've taken a college course. I've dated. If you follow me on twitter, you'll probably hear me talk about dates. But yeah, I'm ready for the new stuff. Which is sort of sad all over again isn't it?
I've realised that there is also a third element that I have had to let go of. I'm no longer the person I was when I was with him. But I've come away from it all with so many positives; I learned how kind I can be, how patient I am, and that I'm more interested in the world around me than I realised. Our relationships help define us, we become part of a pair, and now I'm flying solo again. It's ok if that feels weird for a bit.
I've dated some nice men since, a couple of first dates with perfectly pleasant people but not the right match, and one guy I dated for perhaps a month, but again, not the right match.
I know the next chapter will be better than the last, I'm just not sure what it looks like just yet!