I have blogged a little about my Dad before, and as it would have been his birthday tomorrow, I found my blog about his birthday from last year.
So, now its the eve of his birthday again, I wanted to pause and consider the journey that grief has taken me on. Here I am, about two years after my Dad died suddenly. I feel so sad for her, her heart literally shattered. I apologise in advance for any switching between first person and third person, sometimes it feels like it happened to someone else.
So, here she is. 17 year old ReeRee, her Dad died out-of-the-blue, while she was staying away from home aged 15. Even though it had been two years, a lifetime to a teenager, it still felt raw every single day. Like a pain so deep inside that she couldn't explain it to anyone. Grief overwhelms everything. Every choice, every acton, every thing that happens is tinged with grief. As if being a teenage girl wasn't hard enough!
I think the hardest thing in grief, after the 'I can't breathe' pain starts to subside, is that life continues. For you, it feels like you have been frozen in a bubble, but for everyone else, it just keeps going. A massive black marker draws a line which will forever divide 'with him' and 'without him'. I literally became another person when he left me.
You get told that time heals, and of course, in many ways it does. The extreme pain cannot be sustained, and you adapt to your new life, with the hole in it. That massive Dad shaped space has just become a part of who I now am, and I can now enjoy his memories in a way that was impossible at the start. I was lucky to have a Dad who loved me so completely.
Grief definitely is a journey, and I promise it gets easier. It never ever goes, and will rear its head regularly, but you really do figure out to keep going.
I am a stronger person for it, for I truly know that I can survive anything.