This post is a personal exploration of my current weight. This is your trigger warning should you need one for eating disorders or other types of disorded feelings about bodies and/or food.
4 years ago I lost weight, and loved it. I sucessfully kept it off for a couple of years, and really beileved that would be my new shape forever. However for whatever reason, for the past two years I've grown in size, and my clothes stopped fitting. Not just in an unflattering way, but literally not fitting.
The things that changed for me, were being in a relationship, taking a double dose of hormones to prevent pregnancies and changing my food/exercise choices. I don't blame the pill/implant for the weight gain, I think that's a cop-out, as its so hard for me to identify a precise cause. There probably isn't a solo reason. But do you know what else happened? I hit my mid-30s. I've read about our changing bodies as we age, and acquiring more fat around your middle is hardly unique to me. So I'm sure its a blend of age, life circumstance and being less strict with my food/exercise.
For the past year or so, I really stopped buying nice clothes, and wasn't yet ready to get rid of my entire 'smaller' wardrobe. I wasn't ready to close the door on returning to that size. Recently however, I've started buying some new larger clothes, as I realised being limited to such few clothes (and less awesome clothes) makes your self esteem suffer. So I've given in a little, and starting buying some clothes that fit me now. I'm still not ready to get rid of my whole wardrobe though....I'll give it a little more time....just in case.
So now I have to come to terms with my current body. I don't hate it. It's my body and its just a body. Bodies do not need to be small to be worthy. My body is capable of enjoying sex and exercise and deserves to feel good. However, this doesn't mean I have to fully accept it. I'd still prefer a smaller body back. Part of me hates that, but it is what it is. But I don't hate it. Hating your body is so destructive. I'm unhappy with it, and would prefer it to change, but I do have to accept that this may never happen. And to prepared to come to terms with it as it is. It's a complicated tightrope of not giving up on it, but also not pursuing something I won't achieve again.
So I'm now buying clothes in size large again, when for 2 years I'd started buying size small, and its hard not to feel disappointed in that. But I think I'm healthy enough with my thought processes, and how I manage my food and exercise choices. So I'll keep on keeping on for now. Watch this space.